What the heart wants

Previous
The Bitter Truth The car ride back to Birth of the Sun would take a while, and most of it would be spent in silence. Stevi was usually one to keep quiet and stay out of other people's business... but she was hurting, and she hated to see other people hurt.

"You may not want to hear what I have to say William," she spoke into the silence of the car, not bothering to turn and look at the man who rode in the passenger seat, "But I've a right to voice my opinion."

She waited, giving him a chance to answer, but when he said nothing, she sighed. Her hands gripped the steering wheel hard enough that her knuckles were white. She still felt the pain from the other n



His face was pale and dark bags showed under his eyes as he walked stiffly into the cafeteria. The night had been bad, very bad, he had hardly slept at all, it couldn’t have been more than a few minutes at a time. The pain and the nightmares got mixed with Stevi’s words repeating themselves over and over in his head. Clarice, did she love him? Care for him? No…Stevi had to get it wrong… Because if it was so…why was she then with…Craig? Surely there was someone that was better? But part of him knew. Craig cared about her, for whatever reason, good or bad, true or false. That at least he had been able to tell even if he didn’t like the man much. Craig talked with her and made her laugh. What did he do himself? Nothing…absolutely nothing…but he kept himself away, he did it for her even if it was torture. Stevi had said so many things but she didn’t know either why he so desperately tried to keep the distance despite how much it hurted him. He had ignored the bottle with pills he had been given by the doctors. The relief those oval shaped things promised, he wasn’t worth it. He could endure it; the pain, he had to…it made him think of something else, it was something that he might just be able to handle, it would pass. It was however hell to just keep himself upright at this point. Strange really since the wound itself wasn’t that big but it wasn’t just that that ached, it felt like they had tried to rip him apart…his heart hurted as well…and there was no relief in the form of a pill for that sort ache.

After grabbing that cup of coffee to at least try and act normal, he got seated on his usual place in the cafeteria, by the window in the farthest corner and as he got himself seated he took up his wallet. He hadn’t even missed it until she had given it to him in the car. His thoughts had been with her so he had been surprised when she had given it to him. What if he had lost it there in the hospital? What if someone had stolen it? A part of him felt annoyed that someone might have looked through his wallet even if it was not much of value. If the credit cards had been stolen the thief would have a surprise of the bad sort since there weren’t any money on them to steal. It was the cutout pictures however that would have killed him to loose. Those were the only pictures he had to remember them by besides his own memories. There were no pictures left of his father or mother, just it was just these two pictures of them and they weren’t even real photos. They were from the yearbook that had come two weeks after the fire.

There was no need to take them out of the wallet; he knew how they looked like by heart. Amy’s smile was their mothers as well as her eyes; while he and Ben looked more like their father. Even if they had been twins he had at times felt more connected to his sister than his brother. The old feeling of failure rushed over him. He had let them down by failing to save them. He pressed the wallet against his forehead and tried to visualize them as they were, as they all were when he last saw them all together…

After a while he felt someone standing beside him. Even before he looked up he knew who it was. The air around her seemed to vibrate; she was angry still, very angry. You didn’t have to know much about women to get that. He glanced down at his wallet that he had placed back down on the table, at the smiling girl he knew was there on the photo. She would have been about Clarice age now. Maybe they would have been friends. Amy would have told things about him to Clarice, little annoying, embarrassing things. Like for example that he had ticklish feet, or that he liked getting stroked on his forehead when he was sick (just so he could fall asleep), that he could cry if he watched a sad or a very romantic part of a movie or that fact that he liked romantic poetry. Many little things that in themselves perhaps wasn’t something to be ashamed of but still something you didn’t want the one you had a crush on to know before you told it yourself. They would have giggled at him when he would have entered the room, nudging each others sides, of that he was sure. He let out a deep sigh, wincing just slightly as the pain gripped his chest, piercing his side like it had been a giant talons threatening to push through his chest. He shoved the chair out with his foot.

“Why don’t you sit down Stevi…You're running around like a chicken with its head cut off...you are making me nervous…and staring at me like I would be a painting isn’t much better…”

A muffled disapproving grunt and she sat down, on the opposite side of the table, leaning back and with her arms crossed in a similar fashion as he had done in the carride home from the hospital. He gave it a few moments of thought and then he took up the pictures from his wallet. First there was his sister’s picture and then his brother. He took a short glance at his brother before he placed it next to Amy’s on the table. Ben always smiled like he had the world’s best prank going on and you were the only one that still didn’t get it.

One of Stevi’s eyebrows rose as an unspoken question but she didn’t say anything, neither did he at first. Will could however tell that she was, at least a little, curious. He petted the photos whose corners were worn with age with his indexfinger. Around them people talked, laughed, and went on with their life like it was a normal day. It was a normal day, it wasn’t something special…yet…as he looked up and met her gaze he couldn’t see any hint of malice in them. For the unknown order of times, he sighed again.

“I don’t talk to anyone really about me or my past…it don’t make me special…or different…and…I'm not used to anyone listening as it is…noone have ever really listened to me…ever…not since…”

He interrupted himself as he aligns the picture showing someone that looks like a younger version of himself with the striped pattern of the tablecloth.

“You spoke of…Carter and Owen in the car…about what they did the first time but…that wasn’t the first time Stevi…not the first time they had jumped on me from behind, beating me…it only happened to be a time when I wasn’t prepared for them to strike…or that they would have that bat or whatever they had. You see… They have always picked on me ever since we started the same school….and I don’t know why either…they seemed to tolerate and like…” One of the waitresses walked past hand Will stopped for a second, waiting til she had passed “…It did stop some after I became…well I would guess you could call it friends…or made the acquaintance with Jeremy…but before that… Everyday it was something…in school that was…luckily both them and I was busy after school and the Shipley’s…well…let’s just say they weren’t the one that would visit our restaurant. At least they wouldn’t come in to eat…I spent most of my time helping out in the kitchen…”

The woman tilted her head but still didn’t speak. Will smiled softly despite that his side kept sending painful reminders. She wanted to know more but…didn’t want to ask…she didn’t want to seem like she was prying.

“My father owned the first Chinese restaurant around here…and he was quite successful…not rich…but he made ends meet. We didn’t have that much stuff really but…we were happy…content…a family… Sure there were weird things going on that I never found out what it was, but…my parents worried. I couldn’t tell them about my problems too…not when they had troubles on their own. Then…the restaurant got burned down. They claimed it was a malfunctioning error but I know….I’m sure that wasn’t what happened but…there were no proof…”

A tear, as always as he thought of them, trickled down his cheek but he didn’t care. Absently he caught it before it dripped down on the table. He picked up the picture of the girl and then the boy. Text that showed on the backside gave even more hits that they were cut outs. He gave each a kiss. Didn’t care if anyone saw him do it or what the woman thought of it.

“We lost…everything of value…everything…it was only the clothes we had on our bodies that we still owned. But that is…earthly things, things you can replace…what was worse…we lost…more…we lost things you can never ever replace…we lost…them…”

Will placed the pictures in front of the woman that sat opposite of him. He pointed on the boy first and then the girl.

“This is Ben Chao…he…was my twinbrother and that…” another soft smile showed “…this was a whirlwind of laughter and giggles named…Amy Mei…she was our little sister… they…they never got out of the house…I tried to go in…to find them, save them…but…I was to late…I passed out before I got to them…the firefighters found me outside Amy’s room…and them inside it…Ben had…by the looks of it try to get her but…they were 18 and 15…when they…”

It wasn’t needed to finish the sentence…most knew that it wasn’t always the fire that killed…it was the smoke and that it didn’t take much…

“It broke my mother’s heart loosing them and she died about four months after the fire. After that it went downhill for my father as well. I tried to help him since he still owed a lot of people a lot of money; I worked very hard on different farms while he slaved for minimum at other restaurants…as some sort of helper…after all the nice foods he had done. He died a month after his 50th birthday. He didn’t see a reason to live anymore, not without my mother. They said it was a heartattack but I think he just gave up. My mother was his world…his treasure…his special little lucky dragon… That was also the name of our place…Lucky Dragon…”

She took his hand and squeezed it. Her eyes seemed shiny, like a tear was trying to force its way through yet they were warm and caring at the same time. He squeezed it back.

“It might sound…a little weird...but…I saw them…I talked to them...and it felt so real…”

He took a firmer hold of her hand with both of his as he tried to lean forward, but stopped midmovement, and grimaced slightly. It had to do with just holding her hands.

“Amy said…she repeated that I was going to be fine, that I was to be ok but…I thought I was going to die…so…I asked…I asked Amy, I begged her to take care of Clarice and Bonnie for me…I don’t believe in a God, or any religion really but I think our family…those that passed before us…in some way they take care of us…that is at least what I would like to think. Ben…was a joker…so I couldn’t ask him to look out for her, to watch over her…but Amy…she cared… Then as I was talking to her…it was like something ripped me away from that place…and Amy said I didn’t have to worry…”

For the first time since she sat down the woman spoke, her eyes was a little red, her voice might have trembled just a tiny bit before it sounded like normal.

“William…you need to tell her…tell her you care…tell her there isn’t someone else…”

He let go of her hands…like they had burned him. Quickly he picked up the pictures and put them back in his wallet.

“I want to…tell her Stevi…I…do…but…I can’t…I just…can’t…and I can’t tell you why I can’t…its not…its no use…It just cant be like in the fairytales…you cant always give what the heart wants…besides…she is worth…much more…than me…”

He got up slowly and then pushed the chair in with some difficulty since it for a moment got caught in the table leg. The cup of coffee that still stood at the table was basically untouched.

“Clarice…she will never be alone…she is young Stevi…she…will find someone better…perhaps she have already…someone that make her laugh. I…”

At that point he spotted another man entering the cafeteria, escorted with a girl on either side of him, both giggling. Will sighed and got up, looking sad even if he tried to hide it. Did Clarice know that Craig was this friendly when she wasn’t around? He lowered his gaze to his hands.

“I must go…cant do things at my normal speed as things are now…and…I need to check with the hospital… They must have made something wrong with the bill…because I never got one…”

As he passed the two girls laughed at something the man had said. He did his best not to look in Craig’s direction. Therefore he missed Craig’s smile and nod in greeting.



(on pic: Mike & Bonnie)
ref: Google


Next
The Past Can Bite She sat in front of an elaborate fireplace, with her knees pulled up to her chest. A pile of books and papers lay on the couch beside her, forgotten homework as she stare at the flames that danced and sang over the logs they consumed. A frown tainted her features causing small lines to appear between her eyebrows.

As he stepped into the room, he studied her for a long moment, before saying anything.

"Hello Clarice," the old man sat down in his chair, near the fireplace as well.

She looked up at him and he noticed the shine in her eyes and the puffiness as well, along with a redish nose. Had she been crying?

"Hi Daddy," she returned the gr